I'm not usually very good at talking about my feelings but I want this blog to be personal and not just about the facts. So here goes.... At this point in our journey I'm feeling a whole bunch of different emotions. Excited, scared, nervous, anxious are all pretty common at the moment. I'm excited about the prospect of finally completing my family and getting off the surrogacy roller coaster as I call it. I'm excited to hopefully be able to hold my newborn baby in my arms again and feel that wonderful unconditional love for such a tiny human being. And I'm excited that Lawson will hopefully get to experience life with the special bond of a sibling.
While I try to focus on all these positive things I can't help but think of the negative things. I have two biggest fears at the moment. One is getting through the anaesthetic. I am petrified of going under general anaesthetic at the best of times here in Australia but it's even more scary when you're doing it in a 3rd world country and in a clinic, not a hospital. I know I have an amazing Doctor doing my procedure and everything will be ok but it's still scary. My other fear is that we will have another failed pregnancy and our journey will be over. As much as I want this journey to end, I want it to end with another baby. I know we already have one amazing child and we are and forever will be grateful to have him but there is still a hole in our hearts where this other baby is supposed to be. So we are praying with everything we have that this time it works as this is our absolute last try.
While I try to focus on all these positive things I can't help but think of the negative things. I have two biggest fears at the moment. One is getting through the anaesthetic. I am petrified of going under general anaesthetic at the best of times here in Australia but it's even more scary when you're doing it in a 3rd world country and in a clinic, not a hospital. I know I have an amazing Doctor doing my procedure and everything will be ok but it's still scary. My other fear is that we will have another failed pregnancy and our journey will be over. As much as I want this journey to end, I want it to end with another baby. I know we already have one amazing child and we are and forever will be grateful to have him but there is still a hole in our hearts where this other baby is supposed to be. So we are praying with everything we have that this time it works as this is our absolute last try.
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