The End

Last night saw the end to our surrogacy journey. We received an email from the Embryologist saying that our egg hadn't cleaved and our embryo transfer to our surrogate would be cancelled. An egg needs to cleave (dividing of cells) for it to be able to survive into a pregnancy.

So now the time has come where we have to say goodbye to this journey. We have been on this roller coaster of a journey for the past 3 years. Our journey has been filed with a lot of pain and heartache but its also been filled with the most incredible joy and happiness with the birth of our son. We will always be forever grateful for this experience and the wonderful gift a stranger gave us.

Devastated

Unfortunately my egg retrieval operation yesterday didn't go as planned..... I was already clutching at straws trying to make this work with only 2 follicles (eggs) but my eggs have always been really good quality so I wasn't too worried. This time one of my follicles had no egg in it and the other one was very small which means they often don't fertilise.

The embryologist was going to have a try at fertilising our one egg but chances are very slim that it will even get past this stage. We will know more about the progress of this later today.

We are devastated to say the least. We didn't really get our hopes up too much about getting pregnant this time seeing as we have had quite a few failed attempts in the last 2 years but we never thought we would ever be in this position where we may not even get to implant into a surrogate. We have endured so much to get to this point it would be devastating to not even be able to even give it a proper try.

After finding out this news we decided we want to come home straight away so we have changed our flights and leave this morning. We have an overnight stop over in Singapore and then arrive into Perth Monday afternoon. We are looking forward to lots of cuddles of our precious little boy and being home.

All systems are go

Today I had a very unexpected surprise. My eggs grew 3mm overnight! (2mm is the normal growth rate per day) because of this rapid growth spurt my Dr has decided to do my egg retrieval early and is now on Saturday. The other good thing is my Dr can finally see my ovary in her ultrasound machine - what a relief! So today was all about getting me prepared for Saturday. I was sent to the Sonographer just to make sure that my egg sizes where correct. Then it was back to the clinic for a blood test and one last stimulation injection. I then got instructions for fasting etc. and was given my trigger injection to take back to the hotel. I need to give myself this injection at 11pm tonight to complete the growth of the eggs.

I have a break of all medication tomorrow and for the first day since arriving here I don't have to go to the clinic. Normally tomorrow would be a perfect day to spend by the pool especially seeing the weather has jumped to 39 degrees these past couple of days but I have to register myself at the FRRO (Foreigners Regional Registration Office) it's a requirement when travelling on a medical visa here. This will consist of a nearly 4 hour round trip, loads of paperwork and dealing with the Indian government.

While the hardest part of my journey will be these next 2 days at least it will all be finished. Well my part will be finished anyway. Dr K even agreed with me today that this cycle has proved that my body has said no more. So what will be, will have be.....

And on a final note, Cam arrives in less than an hour - woohoo!

The Indian Way

I thought I would share with you a few little bits of information and things I have come across whilst here that I like to sum up as the Indian way....

1. Driving along the highway the other day I looked to my left out the car window to see an elephant walking next to our car in peak hour traffic. Defiantly not something you would see on the road in Australia.
2. A friend showed me a photo she had taken here of a local fire hydrant. It consisted of a row of red empty buckets against a wall that had the word "fire" written on it
3. Service is the best anywhere in the world. From getting asked at least 3 times a day from different managers at the hotel whether everything is ok to a local person on the street giving directions when lost. Indian people will bend over backyards to help you anyway they can.
4. India would have to have the lowest stress related illnesses. Everybody goes about there day so slowly and calmly. This is can be very frustrating at times but it's also something we can maybe learn from. I was once told by an Indian man here that people have a saying they live by, it's "what will be, will be" it seems very fitting given my situation at the moment - doesn't it?

Scan

Today's scan is like looking into a crystal ball. At this point in my treatment most things can be predicted. Basically your follicles (eggs) need to be a certain size when they are taken out of your body so what ever amount of eggs you have growing at this stage is all your going to get because any new ones that sprout up now are never going to be big enough. I'm currently on day 7 of my treatment and my eggs need to be between 12-14mm to be on track.

I had a scan at my clinic this morning but as I suspected they couldn't find my ovaries still so they sent me to a Sonographer who has a stronger ultrasound machine. He found my right ovary without a problem but had difficulty finding my left one (not a good sign) I have 2 eggs in my left ovary, 1 x 12mm and the other 10.5mm. He eventually found my left ovary and thinks he can see a small egg in there of 8mm but even if this one grows big enough they will still probably have trouble getting to it so it looks like we are working with 2 eggs.

This result is pretty much exactly what I had last time I was here. I know I should be happy with this result seeing as I'm another year older than last time but I can't help but feel disappointed. I have worked so hard these past 6 months doing everything possible to increase my egg numbers. Ive lost 14kgs, done 10 weeks of acupuncture and chineese herbs, eaten every fertility super food there is, currently taking l-arginine and increased the stimulation medication to the highest possible dose a person can be on and none of this has made a difference!!!

There is nothing more I can do though, just gotta keep going. The Sonographer will do another scan on Wednesday to recheck the sizes so we'll just have to wait and see. 

Not Alone

One of the things I found the hardest last time I was here on my own was the loneliness. Spending all day and night in my hotel with only the hotel staff to talk to and only leaving the hotel for a quick daily trip to the clinic for my medication each morning was very lonely. I missed home so much, especially my two boys and I cried at least once a day.

This time it's very different. I still miss my boys very much of course but I have so much support at the moment and it has made the world of difference. I haven't cried yet - not even once! There are two other Australian couples here in Mumbai at the moment doing surrogacy using the same clinic as me and they have both have been so wonderful in keeping me company. I'm also getting wonderful support from people back home which I really appreciate too - thank you! And last but not least my best friend the iPad.... Having the iPad on this trip has been the best! Not only can I keep up to date with Facebook and other websites from home I've been able to Skype my boys. Getting Skype kisses from Lawson each night is the perfect way to end a day here.

Just a quick treatment update to end this post. I had my first ultrasound this morning and as suspected  my Dr couldn't find my ovaries. The same thing happened last time I was here. It's nothing to stress about at this stage as its still very early in my treatment. We will try again on Monday and if they are still having trouble finding them then they will send me to a Sonographer who has a stronger ultrasound machine.

Numb

Numb...... This is the word I decided on today that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about being in India at the moment. You see last time I was here doing my egg retrieval from the minute I walked out of the airport I was filled with so much excitement, hope and positivity that the treatment I was about to embark on was going to work. I was doing a fresh embryo transfer which I'd never done before (its supposed to have a higher success rate) I was on double the dose of medication and I was back in the magical city that created my beautiful little boy. Unfortunately none of that helped and sadly we didn't end up with a baby.

Sitting in the back of the taxi on the way to the clinic this morning I realised I didn't feel much of anything. There was no excitement, no butterfly's in my tummy, no fear and not even a tiny bit of sadness (which is odd cos last time I was here on my own I cried every day) I'm just numb? Don't get me wrong I still want this baby more than anything of course and I am and still will do everything in my power to make this happen but it just kinda feels like I'm on auto pilot at the moment.

I don't have a degree in psychology or anything like that but I'm guessing this numb feeling is some kind of coping mechanism? Either way it's not so bad, as long as I'm not feeling sad or crying at the drop of a hat it's all good. And for once I'm actually really calm which is a first seeing as I'm usually such a stress head.

Here we go again

Well here I am again, back in Mumbai..... My flight here was pretty good, Singapore Airlines never disappoints. Getting through immigration in Mumbai was tough this time. It was my first time travelling on a medical visa and I just assumed that the visa in my passport would be sufficient. Apparently not..... The guy on the immigration desk asked to see my medical file. What medical file? I don't have one because I haven't started my treatment yet! When I explained this to the guy he wasn't impressed. After checking with many supervisors, being asked many questions about my treatment and nearly bursting into tears they finally let me through. Thank god! The last thing I needed after all of this is to be denied entry into the country. I know of a few other people who have entered India on this same visa and not had to produce a thing, it's typical though as nothing is ever consistent in India.

By the time I arrived at my hotel I was shattered. My day had started at 4:30am and I had been travelling for 15 hours and was slightly delirious so when the staff at check in asked if I'd like to pay for an upgrade to the suit room I said sure! What was I thinking, we are supposed to be on a tight budget, Cam is going to kill me!!! I have to say though the suite is awesome! Even in my tired delirious state last night I couldn't stop saying wow as I walked in. It has a dining area, separate lounge room, bedroom, 2 x toilets, massive bathroom with walk in robe and a huge spa bath. What the hell I'm here for awhile and the treatment I'm having isn't much fun so I might as well get some enjoyment out of the trip.

This morning I woke up at 5am even though I had a very late night, slept in a super comfy bed and had no kid to get up to - wtf! This is defiantly something I need to work on. Had my first appointment with the clinic this morning. It was so good seeing Dr Kadam again, it was just like catching up with an old friend. She is such a sweet, lovely person, I wish all doctors where as nice as her. After a good chit chat we got down to business. Wrote up my treatment plan and went over everything. She's putting me on the same drugs as last time but she's upped the dose slightly. This time I'll have 300 iu of gonal f injected into my stomach each day as well as 450iu menopour injected into the muscle in my bum (ouch!) she also has me on a natural product called l-arginine which will increase the blood flow in my body and hopefully spread these drugs to my ovaries better, therefore creating more eggs. fingers crossed all of this along with all the acupuncture and Chinese herbs I did makes a difference.