Numb

Numb...... This is the word I decided on today that pretty much sums up how I'm feeling about being in India at the moment. You see last time I was here doing my egg retrieval from the minute I walked out of the airport I was filled with so much excitement, hope and positivity that the treatment I was about to embark on was going to work. I was doing a fresh embryo transfer which I'd never done before (its supposed to have a higher success rate) I was on double the dose of medication and I was back in the magical city that created my beautiful little boy. Unfortunately none of that helped and sadly we didn't end up with a baby.

Sitting in the back of the taxi on the way to the clinic this morning I realised I didn't feel much of anything. There was no excitement, no butterfly's in my tummy, no fear and not even a tiny bit of sadness (which is odd cos last time I was here on my own I cried every day) I'm just numb? Don't get me wrong I still want this baby more than anything of course and I am and still will do everything in my power to make this happen but it just kinda feels like I'm on auto pilot at the moment.

I don't have a degree in psychology or anything like that but I'm guessing this numb feeling is some kind of coping mechanism? Either way it's not so bad, as long as I'm not feeling sad or crying at the drop of a hat it's all good. And for once I'm actually really calm which is a first seeing as I'm usually such a stress head.